THE JD VANCE STORY (SO FAR): ONE MAN’S RELENTLESS SEARCH FOR COCK
Our kitsch tableau chronicles the President of Vice’s relentless quest:
JD’s early, though amateurishly fumbled attempts, at attracting cock saw him donning a blond wig for the Ohio State jocks on campus. One former classmate commented that “JD, or James - as he was then known - thought (and spoke) of nothing else, but the wig wasn’t fooling anyone. A few students started to call him Goldicocks and by the end of our first semester no one even knew he was called James. I still think of him as Goldicocks now, even when I see him on the TV. I say to my kids ‘hey look, it’s President of Vice Goldicocks - daddy went to college with him’”.
Now with easier access to high-speed internet, Vance abandoned the wig and took the search to Craigslist during his time at Yale Law School. Fellow students noted the incessant calls he received as being a major disturbance during study groups, “it was really annoying but he didn’t give a shit. He would have whole conversations with dudes responding to his Craigslist ads and didn’t care that we could all hear him. It was pretty awkward actually”.
Literary acclaim, as well as his election as a Senator, saw an uptick in success. JD had finally found his place. And he had found his cock too.
A bounteous yield of cock, no less!
So much cock…
…JD didn’t know what to do with it.
But problems were brewing at home. His unashamed cock odyssey had not gone unnoticed.
By now married, his neglected wife, Usha Vance, turned to day-drinking and rumination.
Her husband, now elevated to the position of U.S. President of Vice, had gone global in his search. Usha, meanwhile, was left out in the cold...
…but still dutifully stood by her man when called upon.
To outside observers, however, her downward spiral was clear for all to see.
JD’s elevation to the international stage…
…allowed bitterness to creep into their otherwise bland union.
Around June 2025, The White House press corps took to nicknaming Vance “cock hound” such was his ability - and willingness - to “sniff out fresh, unblemished cock and pursue it into a corner”. It is thought that he has faced competition from Secretary of Hate, ‘Lil’ Marco Rubio, leading to heated and passionate exchanges between the two. It is widely accepted by those ‘in the know’ in D.C. that the infamous Oval Office dressing-down of Ukrainian leader Volodymyr Zelenskyy was “precipitated by his refusal to offer up his cock to either of the two”, prior to cameras rolling. This snub was felt “particularly keenly by the President of Vice”, resulting in his excessively scornful treatment of their esteemed guest when the press conference began broadcasting live to the world.
Our sources close to the administration also tell us that JD has “so far emerged on top of the internal rivalry” with Rubio, thanks in great part due to his enthusiastic, un-wavering (and constant) faux-devotion to their boss. With a less taxing day-to-day schedule, “JD is better able to divide his time between public displays of sycophancy and his extra-curricular pursuit of cock”.
Vance has shown himself to be a steely competitor in his unabashed search for cock. We can’t say we’re looking forward to where the story leads to next, but one thing is for sure; it’ll be absolutely wretched.
Which sees us ending this story (for now) with what may be a grayscale view into the future. A frothy-mouthed Vance prepares to receive the coveted Presidential Penis.
